I find it hard to appreciate my accomplishments, always wishing they happened faster or happened bigger. And at the end of another 12 month calendar year, and after reading some other thoughtful 2019 recaps, I warmed up to reviewing the past in order to look more confidently into the future. There are 365 days worth of opportunities presented by the nearly inaudible tick of a clock from 11:59 to midnight, whether that happened last night or last month doesn't matter, obviously, but it's nice to decide that this one day of the many days of the year is the one. No matter how busy I may be, this is the day to put it aside and to review all the changes, challenges, and, ultimately, growth that guide this 24-in-four-days year old Gabbi into 2020.
I review my Google Calendar as I write this. I record nearly everything that happens in my life, because 99% of it is scheduled. This routine keeps my life organized, orderly, reliable...to a fault. Sure, researching the heck out of a city's food and entertainment scene or comparing cellphone models and prices is helpful for saving money and time, but sometimes it severely impedes my ability to make a decision. I'm hoping to be more open to spontaneity and chance in 2020. The past two years have taught me that both the best and the worst things in life are out of my control. Instead of chasing after "the best," I want to learn to be content...no. I want to learn to be HAPPY with every choice.
Back to the Calendar though:
January 1st started with gentle sobs at an Irish pub in Memphis, Tennessee. I was distraught, caught off-guard by my own crying. It was the first day of the near year, the first new year that my mother was not alive. It hit me suddenly, and Caleb and I moved out to the patio area until we finished our Guinnesses. We returned to Wisconsin from an otherwise fantastic Christmas and New Year's in Memphis where I got to see my friend, Natalie, get married. Around Christmastime this year, I was nostalgically recalling the mild winter, the great food, the beautiful parks, the growing art scene, and the little eccentricities of Memphis (like the crystal cave we visited in a cemetery). Maybe I'm sentimental or maybe I just miss traveling! (Good thing I'm flying to New York City for my work's book awards party mere weeks after the ball drops in Times Square!)
Also in January, a larger-than-expected group of friends celebrated my birthday with me at a beautiful sushi restaurant a few blocks from my house. Seated on cushions at a chabudai dining table, friends from my hometown joined friends from Milwaukee, many of which who'd never met before. It makes me even happier now seeing how many people I'm connected to, all of whom I also look up to!
Concerts: Greg Laswell (I cried), Rayland Baxter (so so fun and folky. and he shook my hand!).
In February, I started a video internship at 88Nine Radio Milwaukee, a radio station I've listened to since sophomore year of college and also the place I'd been considering a dream job in Milwaukee. Within a few weeks, I'd been trusted to take photographs and write about the Big Wild concert at Turner Hall and also make a video I pitched about Cuatro Uno Cuatro, a local clothing company that I'd wondered more about ever since I'd seen a Whole Foods customer wearing one of their t-shirts. The business owners ended up being so knowledgeable as well as multi-talented, and the cafe I interviewed them at called La Finca is equally inspiring. Stumbling on latino-run businesses with kind, successful owners really helps me connect to my own heritage, no matter how disconnected it has felt in the past.
My senior film about the public library as a safe space for the homeless screened at the Beloit International Film Festival near the end of February. Caleb and my friend, Annie, joined me for a lovely little time in the town, and I was so happy to receive positive feedback on the film too. It was such a cute place, I'm very excited about returning when Caleb's film screens at this year's festival! It was also a colder February than this December was, so Pho with my friend Lucy was a heart-and-body warming way to catch up and a vegetarian chili cookoff at the Riverwest Public House was almost too good to be true.
Concerts: Robert DeLong (DANCE MUSIC), Milo (the first artist Caleb recommended to me), Beirut (opener was Helado Negro, whom we got to meet! What a sweet guy).
In March I finally met up with a friend named Annie whom I'd only met on the internet after a chance meeting while I was working at Whole Foods. It was also my first time hanging out with Erin, a friend I'd made at 88Nine, and it was so wonderful to bond with someone over experimental film who attended a different college than me. Both these women inspire me to be comfortable with who I'm becoming and who I can be.
At some point in the past year, Caleb and I had decided to live together, and on the last day of March we found a flat in an area much less congested than the East Side where we'd both lived for five years. This new apartment was the first place we'd toured, so we told the landlords that we'd think about it, but within an hour of eating celebratory first-place-together sushi, we texted them and said we would take it.
Concerts: Ben Rector (a wonderful night with friend, Megan), Big Wild (brought my sis!).
April seemed filled with anxiety over finding subleasers for my apartment. On the calendar are several reminders to meet different potential leasers or call them back or relist the apartment on craigslist and Facebook. Also in that month, I drove to the outskirts of Milwaukee with my friend Erin to meet a pair of bunny rabbits who, in June, became my own! I learned that they loved bananas, that the one with lighter brown spots was more temperamental than the other, and that they'd already traveled to Nashville and back and who knows what else before their previous owner adopted them from the animal shelter.
I also filled my time outside of my part-time work at Whole Foods with filming promo videos for Bay View's Genbukan Futen Dojo, hanging out with friends in coffeeshops like Velobahn and Brewed and La Finca, and interviewing for a new job. On the last day of April, while in Chicago at Cafe Mustache before attending Tom Odell's concert, I received confirmation that I was invited to work as the Digital Marketing Specialist for Porchlight Book Company!
Concerts: Drag Show at Cactus Club (rowdy time with Annie & Ben & Jon), Tom Odell (Such great sad-boy-pop from the UK).
May was a packed schedule, filled with reminders to call an auto garage to replace my car's sensors as well as hours blocked out to edit the dojo videos, buy food, pick up concert tickets, attend a beach cleanup and a yoga class, and more. I was still an intern at 88Nine and had put in my two weeks notice for Whole Foods, so my work schedule was all over the place. In mid-May, I got to see Caleb graduate from UW-Milwaukee and also got to experience Rodizio Grill steakhouse as a vegetarian.
On the last two days of the month, I drove a boxy Uhaul truck with all my belongings from my East Side flat to Caleb and my new home in Tippecanoe. With help from a few friends (Annie, Ben, Michael, Brett) along with a warm and sunny day, it wasn't as painful as I expected. Maybe because of how excited I was to start sharing a living space with my favorite person (gag-worthy but true).
Concerts: TACOCAT (very fun surf rock, preceded by tacos at Cafe Corazon), Andrew Belle (beautiful, intimate space stuff), Diane Coffee (same day last year that we saw them!).
June began with a roadtrip to see Kishi Bashi perform in Athens, Georgia, which I'd been looking forward to for months. It was wonderful to find a workplace that gave me enough paid time off to support my travels so soon after I just started my job. Caleb and I encountered a lot of rain and a lot of slick mountain roads, but somehow we made it alive to Athens just in time to spend two nights in the airstream trailer AirBNB called The Quiescent Nomad. It was an adorable getaway painted in pastels and tucked in a small backyard lined with trees, and I loved it enough to put together a quick video about it. The trip was a beautiful mix of new and re-visited destinations including Mammoth Caves and the Georgia Aquarium, both places I'd been on roadtrips with my family. And I still can't help daydreaming about living in Athens someday.
Less than a week after returning to Wisconsin, I finally got to bring my new bunnies home. After shilly-shallying (I learned this word recently) over a handful of names, I decided on calling them Ester and Astrid, both names related to the celestial. After a few months of being afraid of me (except for when I fed them), they now hop eagerly out of their cage, running in circles around my feet as I approach them (with food usually). They're very happy and spoiled in their own room, and they get fresh veggies every day.
Concerts: Kishi Bashi (even more beautiful the second time), JRJR (they handed out peanut butter sandwiches!), MSO Orchestra (at Chill on the Hill. Not too chill with all those screaming kids), The Lonely Island (probably the most fun I've had at Summerfest ever), The National (always cool to see them, but Matt was acting kind of weird).
July's calendar looks less chaotic, and even though the July 4th fireworks at South Shore Terrace were obscured by clouds and fog, it was a great relaxing evening. While in line for beer, I met a man who drove down from Green Bay to visit his daughter, and he ended up working at the same nuclear power plant as my mom. He knew her peripherally and told me he was saddened by her death despite not knowing her well. Somehow this felt like one of the most sincere comments about my mother's death that I'd encountered, and it also felt like a reminder to be grateful for moral and emotional support among strangers and friends.
I also attended Drag Queen Bingo at Lakefront Brewery with a good group of friends along with some last Summerfest concerts (Rodrigo y Gabriela was a magical time) and also had the first of my monthly massages at Elements Massage (a truly life-changing, and health-improving routine). During this month I was also working on filming and editing the 10-minute collaborative video/dance/poetry project about Avenues West neighborhood, formed around the idea of turbulence. I connected so strongly to that theme, that editing was easier than expected and I also got to learn more about an area of Milwaukee I hadn't explored before.
Concerts: Rodrigo y Gabriela (amazing Spanish guitar!), Sessa (beautiful in the plant-filled space of Ursa), Fellow Kinsman (in an alley by a small coffee/bar in Wauwatosa. Met up with a friend from Costa Rica I hadn't seen in YEARS!), Lord Huron (last minute adventure accompanied by JulieMae featuring vegan food at Chicago Diner and shopping at Mitsuwa Market).
August arrived quickly, and it was filled with strange and fun events. Caleb and I drove down to Bristol with a few friends (JulieMae, Drew, and KAnn) to attend our first Renaissance Faire. I wasn't very interested in the idea of it but ended up having a lot of fun wandering the little village of endless entertainment (jousts, dancers, music) and food (mushrooms, chicken legs, gelato). Caleb even won me a rose at an interactive show called "The Washing Well Wenches," and he only had to mildly embarrassing things to get it! We also went to the state fair for the first time (and likely last) and saw KIDZ BOP live, I ate a vegetable pasty, and we watched part of a goat best-in-show competition of some sort. My dad visited mid-August and I took him to Weird Fest at Mob Craft Brewing where I had a mushroom beer and Caleb tried an habanero beer. My dad ordered the most normal of craft beers, but he wasn't happy until he ordered a Pabst Blue Ribbon in a can from Fuel Cafe. Afterwards we went to the 7 Mile Fair, which I remember going to with my family when I was younger. That same day, I met up with my friend Rebecca (now an NYC-dweller) and we attended a street fair and played board games with Caleb and Drew.
On the 19th was the new website launch that everyone at my work had been preparing for for two years and I had been preparing for since my first day a few months prior. Though it wasn't as smooth as hoped, we still were all so happy to adopt our new name Porchlight Book Company and show off a more contemporary-looking website. I took off of work on the 20th to spend the day with my sister, Miranda, for the two-year-anniversary of my mother's death. We ate lunch at La Merenda where the kindest waitress complimented my sunflower bracelet and told us about an astounding sunflower field about 45 minutes away from Milwaukee. Despite being my favorite flower, I'd never seen a sunflower in real life, so seeing the field of nearly 500,000 vibrant sunflowers was awe-inspiring and a very reverent and quiet place to be alone with each other. Nature is comforting. And this is easy to forget when living full time in a city.
I kept busy up the very last days of August. I took off of work for a last-minute video shoot for a wine brand from California called Thunderbird who aim to be "the PBR of wine," as in inexpensive but not disgusting. I spent a day and a half driving around Milwaukee with the PR woman from California, meeting and filming/photographing local bands with wine bottles. It was fast-paced but so so fun, and everyone I worked with was fantastic, talented, and easy to get along with. That weekend I woke up early and traveled with three lovely people from 88Nine to "Los Dells," a music festival comprised of entirely hispanic artists. It was two days of nearly constant photographs and interviews from the time we arrived until almost midnight, but it was also one of the most empowering and inspiring bonding/working experiences of my life. It was exhilarating to see latinx musicians of all degrees of famous onstage, and so moving to see the excitement on the patrons' faces as they saw themselves reflected in those artists. In this isolated location in Wisconsin, beautiful music and art reminded everyone of the importance of diversity and inclusivity, and I felt so so honored to capture it in my photos for NPR's Alt-Latino and 88Nine Radio Milwaukee.
Concerts: KIDZ BOP (they were definitely lip synching).
After that chaotic August, September seems slow. A highlight of the first week is attending local musician Old Earth's last show at Linneman's Pub and then going to a screening of Shrek Retold at the Oriental Theatre which lasted until after midnight. Caleb and his friends Drew and Andrew even posed with a real live Shrek outside the theatre! Sunday the 8th might very well be the first day on my calendar with nothing planned. I wonder what I did that day…
On Friday the 13th, Lisa and her significant other, Ben, met me in Milwaukee and we drove down to Chicago to eat Ethiopian food and see Of Monsters and Men in concert, which is something I've been wanting to do since I started listening to them in high school (as did Lisa). The next night, Caleb and I took Lisa and Ben to Hamburger Mary's for a drag show dinner (her first real drag show ever! I was so proud). And that next week my video about Avenues West premiered, projected on a brick building with a soundtrack composed of youth's poems about their neighborhood turbulence while dancers interpreted the feeling of turbulence on the grass in front of the crowd. Afterwards, I met up with my friend Mariah and had the best cocktail of my life (called the Naruto Runner) at a Storm Area 51 party at Lost Whale Cocktail Bar. We unexpectedly ran into a friend from college (also unexpected that we both knew her), and we all sat together and ate vegan french fries. Later in the month, I dyed my mohawk/mullet a blonde ombre and sort-of started looking like my mom. I also started a monthly video gig at 88Nine filming the Grace Weber Music Lab, which is a monthly event for local high schoolers to get advice on making it in the music business from notable musicians and artists. Even I find their advice useful, despite being almost 10 years older than some of the kids who attend, and I'm so glad 88Nine respects my work enough to hire me monthly to share their wonderful community-centered work.
Concerts: Old Earth (amazingly smooth transitions from song to song. a local master musician. hadn't seen him since 2017!), Of Monsters and Men (could have been better, but I'm glad I was with great people!), Marielle Alschwang (pure and spectacular, especially when the concert is in a record shop owned by your coworker's husband).
October! Almost there. Calendar looking a little bare but then, once again, a huge accumulation of events. First, a drive up to my hometown for a spooky skeleton facepainted Halloween photoshoot with my friend Brooke (a really really great experience, and the only time Caleb and I ever got professional photos together, strangely enough). Then, we took a mid-week weekend trip to Chicago to see two of our/my favorite bands perform at Sleeping Village (which quickly became my favorite bar/venue in Chicago). When I played Caleb a song from TC Superstar a few weeks prior, we fell in love with the old-school techno dance beats and catchy lyrics, and when I found out they were playing one night before I was going to Chicago to see Benjamin Francis Leftwich, I knew we HAD to see them too. Their energy was infectious and their dancers were captivating. It was a late night, and we rested up in a small creaky bed at a quaint (inexpensive) AirBNB in Logan Square. The whoosh of trucks and cars leaked through the thin walls all night, but we didn't mind. Plus, there was a cat the size of a small child that was also very snuggly, and the owner of the apartment was very nice and pointed us to a Japanese garden near the Natural History Museum. I was so grateful she suggested it, since it's rare for me to not have something we do be scheduled or heavily researched, and the Japanese garden was gorgeous and serene, a true escape inside the ever-busy Chicago cityscape. We laid by the pond, faces turned upwards and bathing in the setting sun for a necessary rest before another late night of music and then driving back to Milwaukee. Benjamin Francis Leftwich was appropriately heartbreaking and uplifting, his lyrics always make me feel nostalgic, but seeing him live (standing only a few feet from him onstage) turns me inside out with a year's worth of emotions. He spoke about himself and his music honestly, revealing the difficulties of his father's death last year, and he also spoke wisely, giving his audience of strangers advice even better than most therapists probably. I was quietly crying within the first three minutes, and after meeting him afterwards, I felt validated for loving his music since early high school. (And after finding out he was continuing his tour in 2020, I bought tickets to see him again. This time in a small venue in the middle of a national park. In the UK!)
The month closed with another amazing concert for an artist we just saw in the summer: Kishi Bashi. This time we only had to travel to Madison, Wisconsin rather than Athens, Georgia. Plus, we got to visit my friend-since-kindergarten, Lisa, at her new apartment. We found some beautiful bird-centered artworks at a vintage shop on Willy Street, toured the botanical gardens, and overfilled on vegan food at Monty's Blue Plate Diner. And the concert was even more wonderful than expected. Well worth the late Sunday night drive back home. It also served as a celebration of my first (very cringey/meme-filled) email to Caleb in 2017, the day after we talked about shoulder mounts, music, and family members posting on your Facebook wall.
Concerts: TC Superstar (please listen to their deluxe album), Benjamin Francis Leftwich (cries.), San Fermin (seen twice in two days, thanks to 88Nine), Kishi Bashi (never can get enough of this violinist/storyteller/amazing person. and Caleb and I bonded over his music on our first date....).
In November, I attended my first Bucks game at Fiserv Forum, complete with overpriced beer. I also got to drink wine and craft Alebrijes with my friend Erin on a Thursday night at the Latino Arts Center (very daring, I know), and the next night Caleb and I drove to Sheboygan to see Big Little Lions perform at Paradigm Coffee and Music. While there, we also visited the Kohler Arts Center for the first time, read a little bit and had early desserts at the Weather Cafe (as suggested by Erin Bagatta), and celebrated our two year anniversary at Lino's Italian Bistro (a truly impressive and delicious restaurant). That weekend we traveled to Caleb's hometown to present his short documentary about the local animal trainer, Orin Benson, and the room was packed, many of them sharing stories about Orin after the screening which was very touching.
I got to hang out with several friends that month including a new coworker, Lauren, who, like all of my female friends, inspires and amazes me with her accomplishments and intelligence. Caleb and I also drove to my hometown to meet my sister for the Christmas Walk in Kewaunee, which my mother, my sister, and I would attend almost annually. Sometimes I do things just for the sake of nostalgia, and though I know it will never be the same, it's nice to honor the memory of those times, almost in the form of a pilgrimage. This past November's Thanksgiving was quite the opposite of a nostalgia or an attempt at traditions. Instead, Caleb and I stayed home and cooked a small meal for ourselves and then went out to Bryant's Cocktail Lounge for the first time, and we had the most amazing, introverted Thanksgiving ever, aided by the best cocktails ever. The next day, we went to JulieMae and Steve's apartment where we had a great friendsgiving feast and played board games, and it really cemented that friends really can become family.
Concerts: Big Little Lions (so homey feeling), JE Sunde (haven't seen him since 2015! so cool in the space Between Two Galleries).
December began with another trip to Chicago on my own to see Kate Voegele at a small venue called Elbo Room. I was so very impressed by her performance and down-to-earth personality, especially after expecting the worst from a childhood idol. I met her afterwards, and it assured me of her candor. I really still can't believe I got a polaroid photo with the woman I fell asleep listening to at night in my self-conscious middle/high school days...and I still know all the lyrics.
I also saw the premiere of a film I edited in the summer at a small film screening at the Saint Kate's Arts Hotel, where I met up with a friend, Ryan, for the first time in almost a year. I didn't realize how often I hung out with people until I started doing this recap, so it's nice to know I'm not as much of a recluse as I used to be!
I celebrated my birthday early at the end of December, driving with Caleb and my friend Lisa to House on the Rock in Spring Green, Wisconsin. We ate at a Nepalese restaurant called Himal Chuli in Madison beforehand, and I was thoroughly impressed and inspired to try cooking Nepalese food. And I was so happy to introduce two of my favorite people to House on the Rock, which is too weird and awesome and interesting for adjectives to really describe well.
The holidays have always been a strange time for me, but especially now when my father doesn't know how to cook and I don't want to go home to a nearly bare house anyway. But this year, Caleb and I made Christmas Eve ramen and on Christmas day visited his grandma's small but adorable and well-decorated with moose and mice house to have a late lunch and exchange presents. It was a good get together, but I was very glad to once again go to Bryant's for cocktails that night. We both got alcoholic ice cream drinks (a peanut butter one for Caleb, a Rumchata one for me) and talked about future video endeavors to motivate us to make art again. Which is the real difficulty of the past year. I've stopped making films for myself. And this feeling of pent up artistic frustration just caught up with me in the past month.
On Christmas morning, I took photos for fun for the first time in quite awhile. Caleb and I went to Seven Bridges park on that gorgeous summer morning, and I felt at home with the camera in my hands. I had flashbacks to family vacations, I was a young girl taking pictures of my sister in the sand or my parents in the front seat of our car. I was a girl capturing the world. And I strive to be that girl again in the new year.
Concerts: Kate Voegele (my childhood has been validated in a weird basement venue that serves cardboard pizzas and has five beers on tap), Cage the Elephant (we got free tickets and I just wanted to hear that one song).
And so that's my year. Mostly according to my Google Calendar, but also to my immediate memories, and I still missed quite a few things. And maybe you don't know any of the friends I mentioned, but I hope you'll also realize the importance of your own support system of Lisas, Erins, Annies, Mirandas, Lucys, Mariahs, Megans, Calebs, (and all ya'll). Scheduling my life lets me look back and be reminded so concretely of all the fun I've had. But I still hope to step away from this crutch of being in control in order to enjoy life more freely. I'm becoming more at ease every day with those things out of my control, and maybe another 365 days won't be enough to heal completely, but I'm happy to recognize that time as a good start.
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